Story time! to change or not to change? Part 2

Hey Guys :) I know it seems like I've been lacking in posts (sorry Scott) but the last 2 weeks were super hectic! Both primary and secondary schools have closed for August break now and I've left upcountry to join Mayan in Nairobi. He came a few days before me... I stayed back a little bit for closure. Yeah I know what you're thinking, "Since when is Maggie sentimental?" hahaha it happens! I'm happy I took the extra time to ease myself out though. I didn't want to leave with any open wounds. There was no crying or anything, I prepped myself to be cool and composed *as always* :)

Anyways, the purpose of this post begins with a story about my childhood my mom always tells me, and that I'm constantly reminded of when I'm here.

Both of my parents are refugees and because of our very humble background our home needed a double income. Because of this, I was enrolled in daycare right when I was potty trained at age 2. Now, being the first generation born in Canada is hard enough. Since I was introduced to daycare at such an early age, it was hard for me to pick up Cantonese. I don't really have the accents down right so my parents speak to me in their mother tongue and I reply in English. That's our system. It should not be tampered with. haha

When I was about 7 and making my weekly visit to the grandparents', they were criticizing my mom because I spoke in English. My mother, who was also feeling the pressure to embrace both cultures, told my grandmother boldly "my daughter knows how to speak Cantonese". She turned to me and said "You know how to speak your language so do it". After several minutes of coercion from my family members, I was resolved. I decided to stop speaking entirely for 3 days. (which is an eternity for a small child)

The reason why I'm reminded of this story is because I've always insisted on doing things my way, in my own time. One of my biggest challenges here has been sharing my experience with Mayan. He's great, don't get me wrong, but living with him has taught me that sometimes you need to compromise some of your own wants in order to make way for stronger friendships. It seems obvious right?

The truth is, the lifestyle I live at home is a selfish one and I'm not afraid to admit it. Many of my relationships have not endured the ups and downs me and Mayan have had because if I feel like disconnecting and doing my own thing for a week, I can. And I do. But when I'm living with someone who has a general idea of what I'm doing at all times it can make me defensive and at times, hostile.

This is just part of my personal growth here and I am in no way used to living with someone, even though the summer is almost past. Sometimes we hate each other, but it can't stop us from being together because no matter how much I resist (and its mostly me), we need to rely on each other. And its the idea of showing vulnerability that I hate most, not Mayan. The other day I was getting really frustrated and short with him and he kinda told me off haha. It took all my strength to say sorry. Apologizing is such a simple gesture but its been hard for me all summer because I felt like I was the one having their space invaded. But I've learnt to put things in context and realized that it's not his fault for not knowing when I want to be left alone and when I'm ready to make myself available. Vice versa.

When I exit the home, I'm ready for the world and all the socializing. It's been the moments in the home, in my safe space, that I've found it hardest to make adjustments.

I'm working on it though ;)